What can I do when my child says I hate you?

….Or, some equally hurtful and ostensibly aggressive verbal barb?

Three big takeaways from this entry;

1-    Try not to take the hurtful language literally or personally.

2-    Try to understand the intention in the communication.

3-    Try to manage your own regulation so you can welcome your child’s distress and meet them with patience, kindness, and compassion.

First, I think we want to question the child’s intention–what are they trying to communicate to us? We need to get curious. Secondly, we want to ask ourselves, ‘where is my child in terms of regulation right now’? Is this a well-regulated child? Or, is this a child who’s having a stress response? When we take a beat to pause and wonder about these two things, it’s going to be easier to receive what I’m about to say next (quick disclaimer, this may feel hard).

Here it is, my best advice: 1) don’t take them literally, and 2) don’t take it personally.

Let’s assume you’re still with me (grin). So if it’s not literal, and it’s not personal, then what is it?

Let’s consider shifting our perspective on what the child may be trying to express. Is it possible that those words–so sharp and full of vitriol–are communicating distress, rather than loathing? Hurt, rather than hate? And if our child is experiencing distress, then what they are looking for–the object of their intention–is regulatory support, or comfort. And when our child is distressed and seeking comfort, the very best thing that we can do is to BE the regulatory support.

The way that we do this is by showing up in a kind, compassionate, empathetic manner that allows the child to feel okay again–to feel seen, to feel heard, to feel secure. When we’re able to embody the calm that they’re seeking, we’re able to help our child achieve a regulated state of arousal, to calm their brain and body and get their frontal lobe online again. This co-regulatory support will help them access more accurate and articulate verbal expressions of what is upsetting them or contributing to feelings of discomfort or distress.

This is not intuitive. It does not come easily to most parents, or most humans in general. Part of the reason is that when our kids say something aggressive, it often triggers our own stress response. In those moments, many of us find ourselves reacting on autopilot—maybe raising our voice, issuing a quick directive, sending them to their room, or leaning on familiar rules or boundaries like, ‘You can’t say that to me,’ or ‘We don’t talk like that here.’

It’s important to stay aware of our own regulatory state and notice how our responses either help or hinder our ability to truly be with our child in moments of distress. When we lead with calm and a sense of safety, we create the conditions that allow our child to access more thoughtful, accurate language and communicate more clearly when they need our co-regulatory support. Just as importantly, staying regulated ourselves helps us approach the moment with curiosity instead of reactivity, so we can better understand what’s actually happening in the moment. When we focus on the real issue at the heart of our child’s distress—the trigger beneath the dysregulation—rather than reacting to the words or behaviors on the surface, something shifts. Our child feels seen, we become an ally instead of an adversary, and together we can begin to figure out what comes next.

This blog entry was brought to you by the collaborative efforts of Mary Nissen, MSOTR/L and Megan Carrick, MOTR/L