Why does my child say I hate you?
This entry will take 8-10 mins to read
The three big take aways from this entry;
1- It’s an intention to communicate, but the words chosen are not accurate. And, it is our job, as the caregiver, to understand what they actually mean.
2- He would say what he meant if he could.
3- The brain takes a tremendous amount of time to develop fully to maturation, and it depends on experiences. If we can embrace the chaos of stress and upsets we can promote healthy brain development that will help achieve our ultimate goal of raising a kind human.
To explore the why and how such language comes to life please, keep reading…
Humans are wired to protect themselves from day one. We have defensive mechanisms built into our nervous system that allow us to initiate a defense against threat. This is our sympathetic nervous system*, often referred as the fight/flight/freeze response.
Infants exist in a state of overwhelming stress and chaos. When we provide reliable and predictable caregiving that meets their needs, we help mediate their anxiety and distress, and their nervous system will therefore less often push them into a fight/flight/freeze response.
When a child gets upset, you can imagine that they are experiencing a form of stress or a threat. Obviously being told no to ice cream after breakfast is not a true life for death threat, but, in their body, they're experiencing a disruption to their comfort, we call it regulation. The child is becoming dysregulated.
We often take our kids literally when they say things that are deemed mean or aggressive. For the purpose of this share, we can refer to these statements as maladaptive, referring to a behavior or set of words that don't align with prosocial behaviors or expectations. Prosocial behaviors, including language, are essential to helping us get along in the world and in a community. Prosocial behaviors are only accessible when we are regulated. When a child says something such as, “I hate you!”, it can feel like a rejection and it feels personal. It's not personal, and they are not being literal. They are letting you know they are becoming dysregulated.
Dysregulation, is that state of arousal whereby we start to shift form ok to not ok, we lose access to the higher cortical levels in the brain and become primarily dependent on subcortical, primal instincts to promote our survival. When a child says, “I hate you!”, or “You're a mean Mommy!”, or, “Go away, you're not my friend anymore!”, or any of those phrases that would come across as unkind and verbally aggressive, this can be our first cue, or clue, that they are approaching a state of dysregulation.
Children can experience distress or discomfort many times throughout the day, some children more than others. Seemingly little things can set them off and sometimes it feels like they are making a mountain out of a mole hill. Not all upsets lead to eruptions or tantrums. However, when that discomfort extends itself beyond just a couple of moments, a child may start to engage in defensive behaviors or defensive language. Young children may hit, bite, kick or throw things. These behaviors are an expression of distress as they shift into the fight or flight state.
Some common terms to describe the dysregulation of children include, tantrum, meltdown, upset, out of his mind, you get the idea. This dysregulated state can be scary for us parents/caregivers. Please trust that it is even scarier for our child. They are, in a very true sense, out of their mind. They cannot rely on decision making and their nervous system has made determinations about how to behave without a conscious awareness. This hijacking of the mind is essential for those real life or death situations and is a primitive survival mechanism that has proven to be very effective. Our children’s brains are just not very effective at being able to discriminate between the mountains and the mole hills. This ability to discriminate CANNOT be developed without experiences.
How did we get here? How did that sweet little baby grow to be a 6-year-old that can say such hateful things?
When a child is very young, and they don't have language. They express their frustration, anger, fear, or whatever word might be behind the aggression, with their body. Maybe they hit, bite, kick, push, punch, etc. Obviously, those little bodies are easier to control, facilitate and manage. So, we have an easier time minimizing the damage. But, they're fighting because they're hardwired to fight. Hardwired, meaning they were born with the primal wiring in their brain and muscles, ready to fight back in the face of danger or threat. When children experience stress, they can shift into a fight or flight response quicker than a mature and healthy adult. This is thanks to this hard-wired setting to protect and the limited development of the prefrontal cortex*.
As a child grows and develops a sense of self their comprehension improves and they acquire more language. Emotional intelligence*, coupled with words that carry more weight, (STUPID, HATE, UGLY etc.), can lead to primitive response centers of the brain becoming more dependent on the aggressive language. This language will then become more accessible when the stress response interferes with access to the higher level cortical language center.
What makes these words carry so much weight? All the extra emphasis that we humans pair such words with, our affect, (facial expressions), body language, volume, tone and even our posture, (becoming bigger and broader).
Children develop language as they experience it from others in relation to themselves, Mom says, “I see you, jump, jump!.” and the toddler repeats, “Jump!”. They will take our language from conversation, books, siblings, community, etc. They will independently express these ideas by trying them out across relationships and situations. Not all the models offered are pleasant.
When the 3-year-old witnesses an older child throw his water bottle at the park and scream, “I hate you! You’re stupid, Mommy!” The child takes in a great deal more than just the language. The child sees the water bottle getting thrown, the affect on the speakers face, (eyebrows, the open mouth and big teeth), gestures of arm throwing and maybe some feet stomping. This episode can, and often will trigger the attention of the lower brain centers. The empathic wiring of the 3-year-old gets turned on and he will embody, really feel what the other child is experiencing. He might also recognize that sensation and that chaos as something he has experienced and the language can settle in that emotional part of the brain, that part of my brain that, at birth, was ready to fight back. The physical aggression and the aggressive language are now wiring up together, in a sense, getting cozy with one another. The language is processed in the cortex and, if meaningful enough, will settle in the primal region of the brain, below the cortex, and you can imagine it wedges itself in there with the primal instinct to aggressively, fight.
So when our kids say, “I hate you”, they're taking what they've observed from their experiences in the world, witnessing other people's stress, and pairing it up with their instinct to physically fight. Over time then the aggressive language can replace or take the place of the physical aggression, especially in the early phases of what we might call a tantrum or a meltdown. This is evidence of progress. It is far more adaptive and prosocial to express our rage through verbal aggression rather than physical aggression.
Older children have access to more language and they also have enough experience with physical aggression to recognize that it's maladaptive/unacceptable, or not pro-social. The child is still angry, still upset, but now they have access to aggressive language in place of the physical aggression that they were wired with at birth. The older child also has some reliance on the prefrontal cortex to slow the rate of dysregulation and help mediate the stress for a bit longer.
“I hate you!” are the words. The communication intention, the message, is all together another thing. When a child says something that can be categorized as verbally aggressive the words are the vehicle carrying the communication intent to express maybe anger, disappointment, frustration, etc. Any number of emotions or ideas might be inadequately delivered through the use of such language.
What the child is doing in that moment is trying to get their point across that they are feeling upset about something, and they don't have access to the higher cortical levels of their brain that would allow them to be more accurate or more specific. So, they are communicating their stress, but they are not able to communicate it with accuracy. The stress they experience in these moments limits the brains access to the higher cortical levels responsible for accurate language retrieval and organization.
He wants to be known and felt by another. If he did not need you in those moments he would not bother with the intent to communicate. He might instead disengage, dissociate and retreat into himself. Can you, the caregiver, allow yourself to embrace the discomfort and stress?
Can you accept the aggressive language, (“I hate you!”) as a win? Why is it a win? They are not biting, kicking, pinching, or pulling our hair. They are evolving. But, it does take time and it takes hundreds, maybe thousands of experiences with stress to be able to acquire enough language to say such aggressive things. Maybe, by the time, they're in middle school, they can say things like, “I hate when you say no!”, or “This isn't fair!”, and they can even access enough cortical programming to stay regulated and organized.
Look for the next post, What can I do when my child says mean and hateful things?
* The sympathetic nervous system is a part of the autonomic nervous system responsible for the body's fight-or-flight response. It prepares the body for intense physical activity in response to a perceived threat or stressor.
* The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is a part of the brain located at the front of the frontal lobe, responsible for higher-level cognitive functions such as planning, decision-making, and personality. It plays a crucial role in executive functioning. This includes self-control, working memory, and the ability to act with long-term goals in mind. The PFC is also involved in emotional regulation and social cognition. The PFC is essential for planning, decision-making, problem-solving, and controlling impulses. It helps in setting goals, formulating strategies, and monitoring progress towards them. The PFC is involved in holding information in mind temporarily and manipulating it to guide behavior. The PFC plays a role in modulating emotional responses, particularly in social situations. The PFC is thought to contribute to personality traits and individual differences in behavior. The PFC is involved in understanding and interacting with others, including perspective-taking and empathy.
*Emotional intelligence is the capacity to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It involves being aware of your feelings, using this awareness to guide your thinking and behavior, and effectively managing your emotions in various situations.